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—Have you started an argument without even uttering a word? —Been scolded with the ever-mystifying “It’s not what you said but how you said it”? —Know that even when you stop talking, you’re still communicating volumes? Welcome to the wonderful wacky world of body language! It is a world defined by nuance and subtlety. And it tends to be a world your wife understands well. Maybe too well. Women just seem to get non-verbal communication more intuitively. A man can often struggle enough with verbal communication to worry about what’s unspoken. But this can be a a mistake. A big one! Misunderstandings are likely to abound in his marriage. After all, too often the signals we send are not those we intend to send. When this happens, connection and trust are jeopardized. So the ability to accurately pick up and send nonverbal cues is a great way to ensure a peaceful home life. Tune in to Yourself The first step in becoming a body language expert is to get a better grasp on your own emotional responses. Each particular emotion has its own specific effect within your body. For example, anxiety might make itself felt by a churning in your stomach aka the butterflies. You may also get a faster heartbeat or a dry mouth or start fidgeting. The earliest sign of irritation may be a sudden clenching of your jaw or stiffening of your shoulders. By becoming more aware of your own emotions and reactions, you gain better understanding of how others may be reading you. This will give you a heightened awareness that is useful in all kinds of interpersonal situations, not just at home with your wife. He Said, She Said Psychologists have identified clear differences between men’s and women’s nonverbal styles. Watch a man and a woman during a conversation. Practially opposing styles will quickly emerge. Pinpointing these differences is vital as they relate not only to your wife but also to coworkers, children, and friends. According to experts at the University of Colorado, here are four key areas to pay attention to when doing the non-verbal dance with women: Eye Contact Women • rarely stare • do engage in more eye contact while conversing • signal interest by sustaining eye contact • are generally the first to avert eyes on initial gaze Men • stare perhaps to challenge power or status • generally don’t make as much eye contact • signal interest by staring • generally maintain initial gaze until other party averts eyes Body Women • generally use facial and body motions to signal approachability, friendliness • smile even when not happy due to social expectations • are more likely to be interrupted if smiling • are attracted to those who smile more • use facial expression a lot to send and receive messages • have more tense posture • tilt their head and body to the side more often Men • tend to use facial and body motions to indicate more reserve and control • display less emotion through smiling due to socialized rules to be emotionally neutral • are more likely to interrupt speakers who are smiling • don’t send or receive facial expressions as much • have more relaxed posture • nod their head more often Touch Women • are touched more than males • are touched more gently • initiate more hugging/touching to express support, affection, comfort Men • are touched less than women • are touched more harshly • use touch to direct, assert power, express sexual interest Proximity Women • have smaller personal space zones • tend to approach others closer • prefer side-by-side interaction Men • use more personal space • are more likely to invade another’s personal space, especially women’s • prefer face-to-face conversation Louder than Words With this in mind, sharpen your powers of observation. Gather insight whenever you interact with your spouse to file away for later. Learn the consistent danger signs to impending conflict. Start keeping mental notes based on these effective clues: • Eye contact — Pay attention to when your wife holds or avoids your gaze. Be aware that at times eye contact can actually be too intense and escalate an argument. On the other hand, not enough can convey disinterest. Find the middle ground that seems to work for the two of you during moments of good rapport. • Facial expression — Focus on what your wife’s face is telling you not just the words coming out of her mouth. Is she a person that is relatively unexpressive or very expressive with her face? Decode her tics and how they reveal where a conversation is leading. • Tone of voice — The voice can convey a moment-to-moment window into a person’s emotional world. What is the sound level of her voice? Does her voice project warmth, confidence, and delight, or is it strained and blocked? • Posture — The way she sits, slouchs, stands, leans, holds her arms and moves her body are all important “tells.” Does her body look stiff and immobile, or comfortable? Are her shoulders tense and raised, or slightly sloped? Is her abdomen tight, or is there a little roundness to her belly that indicates her breathing is relaxed? • Touch — What feels good is relative. Some people prefer strong pressure, others light pressure. Do you know the difference between what you like and what she prefers? This is important because research shows couples who know how to touch each other during arguments diffuse tension and have healthier relationships. • Timing and pace — Pay attention to the rhythmn of the conversation. This will challenge your listening skills. Consider what happens when you share something important with your wife? Does a response�not necessarily verbal�come too quickly or too slowly? Is there an easy flow of information back and forth? Men struggle with the fact that women often just want their husbands to listen. They don’t want men to fix it. They want empathy not solutions. Tune into the moments when she is looking for a response and when she just wants to be heard. • Sounds that convey understanding — These include encouraging utterances that communicate understanding and emotional connection. More than words, these sounds are the language of interest and compassion. Pay attention to how your wife does and doesn’t use them. Slowly but surely, you will learn to decode your wife’s personal non-verbal style. And you will be able to lean into her style at the right moments. In fact, mirroring a person’s body language can often breed an unconscious feeling of connection. This is invaluable when challenging moments arise in your marriage. New Insight, New Opportunities Be attentive to the unspoken. It will take some effort but it will save you alot of frustration in the long run. By strengthening your understanding of the nonverbal, you will be able to flip marital conflict into an opportunity. You will build trust by quickly repairing instances of rupture. All without having to say a word!
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